I sent Mari word and a chunk of money to start sending my things over. I’ll put them in storage until the sale is done if I need to; the agent says about two more weeks since I don’t have to deal with all the mortgage paperwork. Once I have the keys in hand, the cats will be first in line to come over. I’ve missed them from the moment I left them, and it looks like they’re going to be my only companions for the foreseeable future.
I may be alone, but I doubt I’ll have to be celibate for the rest of my life, at least; Maman is about any number of things, but that definitely isn’t one of them. And any woman can get sex if she really wants to, can’t she? I don’t want it much when I’m not with someone, anyway.
I’m thoroughly exploring what’s next; I don’t intend to be hurt again, not by any part of it. The lwa have made clear in readings that they don’t want me to return to shamanism formally. I ended that, and they want it to stay ended. They don’t want me to just drop the whole thing, though, so much as look at my skills in a new way. I’ve been called on to do that with most of my healing knowledge in the past couple of years. My skills are solid and valuable, they say, but I need to find a new way to use them to work with the lwa and with my ancestors. The challenge of that, of course, is that traffic between lwa and humans is one-way — the opposite one to shamanic journeying. I don’t have any immediate answers, but I’ve been doing daily offerings and devotions to my ancestors; they’re a likely source of guidance in this.
The tarot is another; it’s time for a houses reading. I need some help with the big picture.
*House 1 (identity, self-worth, self-awareness) Master of the Head
Self-realization; profound realization of the Self in the inclusive sense; love and will combined in the particular balance unique to the individual; realization of purpose, initiation, help from the lwa most closely associated with the individual
House 2 (money and security) Rada La Place
A person brilliant in argument and intellectual discussion, but lacking conviction; highly intelligent, but lacks firmness of mind
House 3 (mind, intellect, communication) Olofi
Change that brings stability to a situation; the Earth Mother
House 4 (home, the inner/private self, childhood, mother) Damballah Wedo
Great energy called into action from a point of stillness
House 5 (fun, joy, pleasure, children, creativity) Shi-Li-Bo Nouvadou/Dan-i
The joy of the will made manifest, of the querent’s work in its fullness
House 6 (healing and service) Rada Houngan
Courage, swiftness, and readiness to attack
House 7 (relationships, partnerships) Masa
A change of residence, a messenger arrives, or an unexpected gift
House 8 (sex, death, regeneration, basic life resources) Simbi D’l’eau
A sense or impulse of the right path, not translated into action or acted upon wrongly; breakdown of communication; a confusing situation badly handled because of miscommunication
House 9 (higher education, philosophy, religion, travel, expansion, growth) Oya
An abrupt change for the better; wrenching passage between the worlds
*House 10 (career, father, later life, social standing) Ancestors
Final understanding of the worth and meaning of one’s actions throughout life; honoring the ancestors as progenitors and as parts of ourselves
*House 11 (friends, social activities, greater humanity) Maman Brigitte
Balancing life and death in the self; full understanding of the situation at hand brings the full measure of all good things.
*House 12 (secrets, self-undoing, delusion, completion, unconscious mind, inner self) Gros Bon Ange
Helpful energy provided for spiritual life; joy through universal love freely given.
What stands out most to me is that houses 1 and 12 are highlighted — the outer and inner selves. That’s what I’ve been working on all this time, strengthening my inner self and reintegrating it with my outer one. 12 says my inner nature is about universal love, not personal love; 1 says my outer nature is — or is becoming — an integration of that love and the will (which is first-house material) as the realization of my true self. The part about initiation stands out, too, especially given the nature of the card in house 1. Maman’s never asked that before, but maybe it would be different with a whole me.
I’m unhappy to see the shutdown in the relationship-based houses — the house of joy and pleasure is taken up with the joy and pleasure of self-realization and finding purpose; the house of relationships just seems to want to talk about my relocation to Inverness; and the house of sex appears to me to be clarifying what happened between Alec and me — but I’m not surprised by it. Maman told me it was going to be.
Houses 2 through 4 are interacting, with 2 telling me I need to firm my stability and committing to the choices I make; 3 saying that a big change will help me do that, and 4 saying that change is a change in home. This move is going to be good for me, and just maybe I’ve found home for good this time. That also speaks to the move-centric card in 7.
Houses 6 and 9 strongly suggest that I need to aggressively get myself ready to do healing work. That seems a little weird to me considering that with Alec and Tam I also lost the community I was supposed to be doing that work for. House 10 suggests that as I have been feeling strongly, my ancestors can help me reconcile that paradox and find my purpose.
I’m not sure what house 11 might mean. Maman’s card falls in it, so it’s important, but I can’t seem to connect her realms of influence with the house’s. My best first guess was that the focus is on greater humanity rather than personal friends, as the house 1-12 connection addresses universal rather than personal love, so Maman could be appearing there to underscore the importance of that.
I got some clarification from Mari. You take a little vacation from the relationship stuff, she said. Maman’s telling you that clearly enough. But she told you, and so does your chart in about 100 different ways, that you can’t expect the standard domestic thing to work for you, and you keep trying to force it all into that shape. You and that man went right from having a weird relationship that worked to trying to make it all white picket fences, and look what happened. You should spend some of this down time thinking about why you do that.
It could be that’s what Maman’s doing in the 11th; my chart and any number of readings along the way have said that the ideal relationship for me is non-standard and non-domestic — friends with benefits more or less, but with more focus on the friendship being a genuine one than is the norm in those. And that does sound good to me, up to a point — the point where I can’t see that as love. But what I do see as love just isn’t for me, so something has to give, doesn’t it? It’s either that or being truly alone, maybe for the rest of my life. And there Maman was to tell me so.
It could also be that’s why the 7th house was focused on moving and not on relationships; maybe I had to move first. As Mari pointed out to me when I was feeling my lowest about all this, I can’t be the only person like me in the world. I just have to find another one. Never mind that I haven’t in nearly 50 years on the planet; maybe he’s here.
Maybe it’s a Chiron return thing; I’ve seen in the past couple of years that a lot of what has given me pleasure and comfort in my lifetime, I’ve been forced to redefine my relationship with. I used to love to cook and eat and try new foods; enter diabetes to make all that into taking medicine I have to chew. Everything’s numbers now, and the joy is gone. Sex used to be a source of pleasure and joy for me; now that looks like it’s going to be medicine, too, at least for a while — like exercise, something I don’t enjoy doing but have to for my physical well-being. All my healing skills have burned out or burned me out in one way or another, and I’ve been redefining my relationship to the healing path itself for a while now. It’s getting hard to imagine what’s going to be left for me when this is all said and done. Can I go back and have a Saturn return again instead?
It looks like I may be facing a repeat of the same concerns that drove me out of Scotland the last time. The first Indyref made me feel like I had no stable ground under my feet, and I see no reason another one won’t do the same. No one could answer the one enormous question I had: What happens to my immigration status if Scotland leaves the UK? I called, emailed, wrote letters — nothing. Everyone could (and most did) tell me what would happen to EU citizens’ status, but the last time I checked, the US wasn’t in the EU, so that applied to me in no way whatsoever. No one ever did tell me what would apply to me.
None of that has changed in the face of a possible second referendum, but I have. I’m not going to let it scare me away this time; if I’m going to be thrown out on my ass, then thrown is what I’ll have to be. I’m going to continue functioning on the assumption that not having the right to vote isn’t going to strip me of all my rights and go on with my life as if I’ll be treated fairly and with compassion.
(photo: tarot card from the reading, used for illustrative purposes)