I’ve been thinking of you. Like to know what I’ve been thinking?
Instant blush, hairline to collarbone. Hi, Alec. I wouldn’t have looked at my phone at all, not with Mark sitting right there across from me, but it doesn’t ring. Or chime. Ever. My airtime usage is about 15 minutes a month, and that’s mostly calls I make about immigration whatnot.
“Now, there’s a lovely shade of pink. Made a new friend?”
I just said sort of and left it at that. Mark’s a sweetie, and I’m only getting more fond of him as time passes, but we’re not in a place for that kind of chat. And texting away when you’re sitting with an actual human being is inexcusable, so it was a while before I got back to Alec.
Sorry, I was with the guy who has me face-down every Wednesday.
What, no video?
My phone’s too old. After which I explained.
Face down AND in pain. Do I have a rival? I want to see you. Will he let you up long enough?
If I ask politely.
And will you tell me where you are if I ask politely?
I’ve done nothing but miss him, even with all the recent adventures I’ve been having. I’ve tried to get around it, and to ignore it, but it’s still there: He’s who I want. Poet-me has known it all along, as the last few poems I’ve written make clear enough.
It did indeed rain finally. So I took the advice of the dead and found something else to do. Be aware of the ways masculine energy is manifested in my life? Oh look — there’s one!
Seriously, though, that is one kind, and he’s a hell of a jolt of it. And it does heal me to have him around me. He takes care of the energy problem very thoroughly, and the healing they spoke of is there, too. I know my self-image hasn’t been what it probably could be for a long time now. (Hello, Chiron return.) He gets in underneath that mess and starts fixing.
I’ve gotten better. I used to meet Let’s leave the lights on with Nononononofuckno. Now I can usually manage to meet it with If you insist. Alec finally had enough of that, I guess.
“Is the sight of me so horrifying?” (But never enough of being a wiseass.)
“You know better.”
“Aye. But I like seeing you. You’re beautiful.”
Sometimes only a snort will do.
“What? I’m sexy as fuck, and I look like I was hit by a train.”
I think I want to stitch that and hang it over my bed. There is literally no way for me to not have a ridiculously huge crush on this man. :)
“We all have flaws. Can nothing be beautiful if it’s not perfect?”
Of course it can. Flaws make some things more beautiful, even. But I’m not a quartz crystal, and a first 25 years spent hearing “Oh, you’d be so pretty if you’d just…” (which of course is the final word in passive-aggressively calling someone ugly) will beat you down.
“Maybe everyone has their voices to contend with, aye? Flaws aren’t what I see, you know. I see the funny wee face you make right before you come.”
Which of course meant that when that moment arrived, I got the giggles. Not a bad thing during sex, really. Especially during orgasm. He pretty obviously enjoyed it, too. :)
And he’s right, of course. No, not that I make funny faces, though that’s likely. That I’m far from alone in the world in having flaws. I have a hard time seeing past them, but obviously he doesn’t. He does my soul good. I like being around him, the sex is just ridiculously good, he makes me laugh until I snort, and for some reason being with him really does make me feel like I’m sexier. Go figure.
We managed to talk, too — about what went wrong, and about how things have changed. His way didn’t work out so well for us, so he’s willing to try mine: I need to be here, and he needs to be in Glasgow, so we’ll work around that. We’ll see each other when life lets us, let things unfold as they will, and not try to push this to be what it isn’t meant to be, especially given the recent insights I’ve had into why the picket fence thing doesn’t work so well for me.
He said he needed time to get his mind around the mistake he made — letting the voices that made his growing up so difficult tell him he didn’t deserve me, when those voices weren’t even real any more. I made a mistake, too; I gave up too soon on a man I very much didn’t want to give up on. That didn’t send him so great a message, either, did it? That’s cleared up, from both sides, and if he has to face those voices down again, I’ll help, not just mutely stand there and wait.
In the absence of going out this week, I decided to touch base about the work I’m doing, the playing I’m doing…my life in general, really. It’s all feeling very good to me; it will feel even better if the spirits say all is well. (And anyone who’s interested gets a peek into an actual houses reading for someone whose astrological info and life circumstances I’m of course thoroughly familiar with.)
*House 1 (identity, self-worth, self-awareness) Union
Getting it together at last; merging of the inner and outer life; being at the center; completion
*House 2 (money and security) Liberty
An emerging and powerful sense of personal freedom; release from limiting circumstances
House 3 (mind, intellect, communication) Angel of Science
Pure, abstract thought; objective, unemotional, unbiased thinking; mental speculation, exploration, meditation
House 4 (home, childhood, mother, women, emotions) Sublimity
A gift of love, especially in a relationship or marriage; finding happiness in hearth, home, and hospitality
*House 5 (fun, joy, pleasure, children, creativity) Magic
Outstanding opportunity for communication; creative tools and skills are available
*House 6 (healing and service) Stars
Renewal of hope and of connection with cosmic energies; doing your own thing, no matter what
House 7 (relationships, partnerships) Passion
Release of emotions that will carry you away; unlimited potential and wanting the situation to rise to it; vulnerability and openness
House 8 (sex, death, regeneration, basic life resources) Pleasure
Reunion; reforging of links and bonds; happy memories
*House 9 (higher education, philosophy, religion, travel, expansion, growth) Moon
Psychic insights; relying on dreams, intuitions, and instincts; exploring taboos, mysteries, and contradictions
House 10 (career, father, men, later life, social standing) Restriction
House 11 (friends, social activities, greater humanity, hopes and dreams) Child of Poetry
Seeking appropriate direction for self-development and creativity; looking for inspiration in your environment
House 12 (secrets, self-undoing, delusion, completion, inner self) Division
Feeling overwhelmed and unable to address a problem as a whole; a need to cut loose and find a new outlook; feeling divided
[The asterisks mark where major arcana fall.]
A lot of the spiritual work I’ve done in the past few years has been about getting the scattered parts of myself and my life together, and the 12/1* interchange here says I’m finally getting there — chasing down those last bits, pulling it all together, and making a coherent whole of it, especially my inner and outer lives. Hello again, Chiron return.
There’s a strong focus on the (opposed) houses of the mind; house 3 holds a lot of intellectual energy, which sits there naturally. There’s also a lot of higher-mind activity in house 9*, where it’s also naturally seated. That all ties in to a boost in creative energy shown in houses 5* and 11 (which are also opposed) — not only the energy itself, but looking outside myself for the inspiration to put it to use, then gathering my tools and getting to work.
But the cards want to talk relationships this time, and quite loudly. Security in freedom has become a theme in my life recently, especially on the emotional front, and it turns up strongly here (house 2*) as we’ve begun exploring the ground of a different kind of relationship. The cards are also touching on what’s happening now in other ways — reunion and reforging of ties (in house 8, with all its influences), a loving relationship seated in the 4th house of emotions (along with a warning not to pack up house again because of it), and passion and all that goes with it (emotional intensity, vulnerability, openness) in the 7th house of relationships.
Then there’s house 10 and the card seated there (which is in the photo above). I tend to pull this card in relation to Alec, and in this layout it usually falls in the 8th (sex) or 10th (men and power/authority, and by far my most activated natal house). This is where a personal relationship with a deck kicks in. The card has a negative standard interpretation, but I don’t feel it that way for myself. The man has tears on his face, but he doesn’t appear to be in pain or distress, or even struggling against his bonds. To me, he looks like he’s meditating or chanting, maybe even singing…or journeying. This is the voluntary restriction of the Hanged Man, not imprisonment. Others may not see that (and I would almost certainly offer someone else the standard interpretation first), but my life and nature make the positive and spiritual sense more prominent. The extended interpretation in the full text does explore that side of the image: “Or perhaps you are restricted by circumstances for the purpose of concentrating on spiritual matters. The closed eyes indicate a focus upon an inner reality.” The kink energies that flow between Alec and me tend toward that kind of engaging with the spirit through physical ordeal, which connects up with house 6*, where renewed connection with cosmic energy, likely in an unusual way, resides; that in turn connects up with the 12/1 focus on unifying the inner and outer. He and I have some happy to be, but we also have some work to do.
As I did the reading, iTunes reminded me that it has a sense of humor, and provided this entry’s song. But of course:
I found tiny dragonfly and crow cross-stitch charts that I think will make an appearance on my eventual casting cloth. The original design has the runes running down two sides, and I don’t want them there; they’re visual noise during casting. Strings of dragonflies and crows, on the other hand, works for me, and they’re good allies for divination. I’m also considering another free chart that would make most of the design structured around four large dragonflies. They’re old allies of mine, but their return now seems odd to me in a place where there are so very few.
(photo: card from reading, for illustrative purposes)